“Q: What needs to change in our larger culture to end the normalization of sexual violence?
A: We live in a culture of coercion. In so many aspects of life, we think it’s fine to just keep going for what you want, to keep trying to convince and persuade the other person. There’s an assumption that they really do want what you want, you just have to get them there — I think that pervades too much of sexual interactions. People don’t realize how coercive that is. You are wearing somebody down, you are playing on their emotions, you are being manipulative.
I give college talks around compassionate consent, and a lot of what I talk about is this gray area that is so common in sexual interactions because we’re taught this very black-and-white idea that If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If somebody says “no,” don’t do it. That’s not how most sexual interactions play out because there’s so much nuance of thoughts, emotions, desires, fears, wanting to be liked, not wanting to be rejected, hormones, wanting to feel desired, social status, and maybe alcohol, not to mention our innate personalities and how we were raised and our gender and our race. There are just so many components that come into play and most of our approaches aren’t addressing the complexity of that.”
“Q: How can people confidently set boundaries with a new partner?
A: Setting boundaries with a new partner is all about reflecting on what you want to try, what you don’t want to try, what you’re curious about, and then talking about it. Just because something is awkward or embarrassing to talk about doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, it just means you don’t have skills yet.
Setting boundaries should ideally be about sharing expectations, working on communication, encouraging both partners to check in throughout the experience, and establishing that it’s safe to say “no” at any point, versus specific boundaries about what you want to do or don’t want to do — although that can be part of it also.”
Read the whole article HERE, which includes what bystanders can do, why there is so much shame and stigma around sexual violence, critical steps we can all take, and whether I’m hopeful for the future (spoiler: yes and no.)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Intimacy Speaker, Relationship Coach, Sociologist, & Author
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